Yesterday, I had it in my head that I was definitely switching full steam ahead to a healthy lifestyle. Reducing binges and increasing vegetables/ fruit.

Its odd how our brains work, how we conduct ourselves. So Sunday’s are a real battleground for food. We don’t get home from church until 13:30! Yes I know – late and not good for one who’s aiming to sort out their eating habits.

I always manage breakfast, it’s always felt like my favourite meal although I tend to have the same thing; wheatabix with cold milk and possibly a piece of fruit or yogurt. So yesterday was like any other breakfast.

Before we left for church a snuck an apple in my pocket. Good call. Our church is also famous for the cakes it serves. So no problems after church, apple at the ready. I did have a small slice of cake but I mindfully considered and thought it’s okay. I do feel so much more freer in my relationship with food.

Rush home, pop in to Aldi. Pick up a chicken and lots of veg for tea. Also pick up a box of cookies – this is unusual behaviour for me. I should of just put them back but I didn’t see that warning sign.

By the time we’d got home I was hanging. Got my daughters lunch first only to be encouraged by my husband to get mine next. ‘You must look after yourself’ he said. Yes that’s true I must. I am important.

Any way the day went on and I nibbled my way through the entire box of cookies. I hadn’t needed too, hadn’t wanted too, hadn’t intended too. My brain and body felt threatened as I was commencing this heathy eating with weight loss in mind. I’d had a reaction. Now if you delve back to 2014 on my blog you will read a lot about feeling guilty. Man, I used to beat myself up.

This is not necessary! And I refuse to do it. I am not defined by my struggles. I  defined by my Heavenly Father and how much he loves me, how he values me and that I am his daughter. I cling to this, rest and hide in this. This is the truth which will set me free. It’s helped having had my brain re-wired about through psychotherapy.

So I’m not sure I want to pursue bariatric surgery. I’m pondering what my psychotherapist said to me on Friday. I’m pondering even though surgery would flick a reset button in terms of what and how much I can eat surely I can do this too……… But I’m still undecided


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