A new dawn, a new day

Well I managed 10 hours sleep last night mainly made up from the previous day I think. Lying here, I feel refreshed but a busy day lay ahead.

As an individual who struggles with their attachment to food, binge eating and poor judgement of food choice, this day kind of worries me a little. Mind you there is no need to worry, I guess I just examine my day in detail and highlight the food danger zones are.

Family BBQ at ours at 5pm. I have plenty of syn free burgers and sausages all from the slimming world range at Iceland. Yesterday if you bought 3 slimming world items you got a pack of frozen berries free. My freezer is now over run by slimming world products, these are fantastic back ups for staying on plan when you don’t feel like cooking or you’re in a rush.

Also I’m going to make a syn free coleslaw with either quark or fat free Greek yogurt as the dressing. Friends are bringing dressing free salads and fruit for pudding. I also have low syn value ice lollies in the freezer. Drinks wise syn free pop or squash for me. But before the BBQ we have a few things to attend ……

We are going to a wedding service at 2pm after which they are serving tea and cake however no problem there as we have to rush off to a child’s birthday party.

Child’s birthday party is at the park with food back at their family home. Once again no issue really as we then have to rush back for a BBQ at ours for 5pm. Although the park is next to our local village outdoor pool where they have a laal cafe. I think I may put some fruit in my bag or some carrot sticks for hunger pangs and sabotage prevention to my slimming world regime choice.

I say regime choice because it’s a daily, hourly and sometimes minute choice I make every day. It’s a positive life changing choice which will lead to a lighter, happier healthier me. This of course is only the external me.

For the internal me and I mean this as in what I think, feel, value myself and others also for a happy healthy mental health. Of course physical health and mental health intrinsically go together at times but at times must be treated as separate entities.

The intensive pyschtherapy I had at the beginning of the year has really helped me to overcome so many negative thought processes. Thought processes I thought I would never change and remain locked under their miserable and negative effects forever.

These have been challenged at changed. I no longer have a good food/ bad food thought process. As I have previous blogged I see all foods as foods but some pose more risk to me than others such as having a coffee out and knowing there will be a huge brownie (which probably contains 30 syns) trying to seduce me into eating it.

However although I have foods with higher risk, again it’s a choice one makes. Do you chose to have it, count it in to your slimming world week or do you chose to have a piece of fruit from the greengrocer next door after your coffee? You must understand neither of these choices are the ‘right’ choice it’s yours or my choice. That then will be the right choice as an informed decision has been made.

The way I value myself has also been changed and challenged. As you may of read before I choose Jesus each day. I’m a committed Christian and have a personal strong faith. I don’t like to preach at people so often I will discuss when it’s brought up or like now take the opportunity to explain how my wellbeing and value is seen by  and rooted in God which is supported by my faith. I totally respect if it’s not for you as well. Once again it’s a choice.

So my personal value. I have wasted too many years, months, weeks and hours feeling personal judged by others. Too much time letting this feeling of judgement affect my value of myself. With the assistance of pyschtherapy and my faith I get it now!!! I get that my true value is in Christ. That I am a daughter of the King who loves me to a great value I will never fully appreciate. It’s not only me God treasures and values its you too.

I spent many years praying, trying to be rid of this disgust I held for myself, this hatred I had of my physical appearance and I have to be honest after 26 years I can honestly say I don’t have that horrid restrictive and damaging hold over my life. It’s awesome. I believe this has been achieved through my faith and the pyschotherapy. It’s been an invaluable time for me. It’s a new life one without hatred, disgust and negativity towards myself but a fresh season of love, respect and kindness towards myself.

Yes I’m still living in a 22st 3lb body; that’s 311 lbs, but I love me. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have an air of pride but I value myself. I don’t give the time to let what people think or how they look at me. That’s dangerous for my wellbeing. Of course I have days when I feel huge and I notice something about my body which alarms me. Bingo wings on my upper arms – when did they occur for intance.

But let’s remember I’m on a journey with highs and lows, with twists and turns, challenges and pleasures. I will get to the finish lines and that maybe soon or it may take years but I’m willing to take up this journey. I’m willing to take the battles and bruises of life to reach my goal of a slimmer me. I’m looking forward to be able to go into a regular clothes store and buy whatever I like. Not buy because it fits and I kind of like it. Buy what I actually like and not be disappointed because they don’t do it in  a size 24!

Most of all I’ll looking forward to increasing my activity level, to be able to run around with my children, to not be breathless every time I walk briskly or go up a flight of strairs. I am so looking forward to going up a local peak with my husband. A peak which he is longing to share with me. When you’re at the top of a fell or peak of a mountain it’s the most amazing breath taking moment. I want to experience the beauty of this world.

So here I am. Little olde me. Standing, toes curled over the edge, trembling at the route ahead but I am on the route taking each step at a time, letting each foot fall through my daily experience and challenges. And the best thing is I’ve got God at my side and my amazing friends and family of which I’m truly grateful for their love and support.

Phew that was a long one today!



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