Yesterday I’m disappointed to say I binged on pretty much anything I could get my hands on. Crisps, cake, icing, not a great day.
Annoyed with myself as I really want to get that stone award. I’m saying to myself I could still do it but I’m not convinced in my heart of hearts.
Its days like this/that, in which I start to ponder about bariatric surgery again. I’m still not convinced it’s for me but it’s still a weight loss till hanging on in the background. I see people around town that have had it and to tell you truth the 60yr old woman I know does not look any better. She looks drained, skin hangs from her neck. But health benefits I’m sure are improved for her.
Oh I don’t know what I want to do. I know I’d rather not use surgery as a tool but when I have binge days or binged I just feel quite battered and unsure if I have the will power. My fighting spirit leaves for a while, I become a shell of the person I am, I become broken. I have to rebuild me. I’d love to declare that I’m stronger post the rebuild although I have to be honest I’m not sure I am.
Please don’t misunderstand me it’s not pity talking here, it feels like there’s a grey deep thick must enveloping me, I’m lost. Temporarily.
Its odd, as I know I’m supported. I know I’m loved. I know there is a huge welcome for me and my difficult experiences of the week at slimming world. My consultant is lovely, approachable but will challenge where she is able too.
But this is where I feel I am now. Lost, off the track I should be on. Enveloped by this deep thick grey mist which I can’t see through, and shining a light on it makes it worse. I shall wait for it to pass hoping that I make the right choices which are positive for me. Hoping, praying the mist will lift and I can continue on, pressing on towards the goal of a happier healthier me.